He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
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