I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
