Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
