I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
