I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
