it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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