he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
