A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
