he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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