Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
