I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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