You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
