I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize