If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
