I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
