I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
