Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
