So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
