I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
