I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
