Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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