So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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