Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
