if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
