He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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