So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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