3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
