My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
