I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize