I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
