What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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