I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
