how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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