I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Little spoons don't ask big questions
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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