ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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