Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
