I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize