you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
