i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I smell stomach acid.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
