finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
