Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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