Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
