The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
