There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize