He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
