I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
now i know why i became what i already was.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
