the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
