I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
