that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
