How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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