Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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