you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
