Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
