i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
