I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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