nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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