i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
