i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
