god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize