I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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