You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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