They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
