when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
