masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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