got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
