So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
