you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
