Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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